Cure My Cancers

These words are creations of my imagination, pure and sacred, they might not sound perfect or meaningful, it’s only because these not meant for you, they are meant for the ones who could… who want to see light in the darkest night, who know not just how to see, but feel, who not just breathe… who live.
These words are my ideas, my principles, my morals, my visions & my dreams, they might conflict with the set you have, you may find mistakes, you may find solutions, don’t bother telling me, I don’t care.
Any resemblance of my words to any person living or dead, any event or occurrence, past or present are purely coincidental and fruitless comparisons, i suggest you do better with your time.
The Prophecy
I am not in my senses anymore, well I am alive, I am breathing and I have all my six sense’s working, but I have lost all contact with my body, my sense’s don’t influence me anymore, my mind is free, like a bird, flying over the dense green forests, the blue ocean, chasing the rainbow, no place to go…
I am Dryk’s floating conscience.
In this peace and quiet, my composure was disturbed, a flash of light in the darkness of my life, a moment in time, tenth of a second flashed before my eyes.
A vision of the future, a ship sailing in the rain, on the second floor I stand, holding her to the railing, a glass of champagne crushed in my hands, the third finger cuts, she screams my blood, she pulls me close, licks me love, maroon red lips, a birth mark below the nose, radiant gold skin, black and gold earring’s... tribal yet subtle, the black leather dress, dark eye shadow & purple shine, jet black stalking’s, very bold style, long heels and sharp, makes her tall and proud, an innocent smile and the sharpness in the eyes, long hair that shine in Indian style, a birth mark on the right shoulder that gets my caress, her sweet strawberry smell and the coffee breath, addicted she is, a devoted workaholic, advertising agency, Gurgaon office, far away from me.
I see in her eyes the thoughts of our long honey moon, Caribbean, Cuba, México & new York, my office, an investment banker by profession, a lover by choice, the account says $26 million, quits his job to be with his love, he shifts to Gurgaon, her 5 bedroom apt, no place for the TV, but tons for the published, she's the god of nerds, business magazines to discovery, I have introduced her to playboy but she’s not really into it, she prefers the Kama sutra and bloody good she is.
So one day I got stoned, and I saw a dream and then I wrote… it ended up as a book, was it a prophecy or just a pleasant dream, I wouldn’t know, I couldn’t really think, I was busy writing. I then thought of naming it the Chinese dragon but then the look in my agent eyes changed my mind, Anne, she loves me, she loves Tania, she would kill me if I named it the Chinese dragon.
A long pause and a few neck crackers, i like the sound of nitrogen bubbles, that’s the sound not the friction between bones* this is for you, not to burn you but to show you my appreciation
I feel my senses coming back, the trance fades away, i am deflecting you from my prophecy, the thoughts of you take over my mind, i have found my soul mate, it’s not what I had thought, you didn't say it but you knew it all along, you were disgusted to have known me for three years, yet you smiled, I saw it when that time we met, you wore that bluish dress, the one you had worn the last time we met, it was the day that happened and we never met again.
You die at 69, cold weather, in a snowy foreign city, you wanted to go Pune, you missed the flight and decided to not go then, afternoon it is, smell of fresh flower loves you, your girl loves you more, she made the day happen, she works in the UN, just so you don’t wonder anymore it’s the United Nations, yea right!!! You knew that, so yea, who are you again?
I was gonna end it at that, but my fingers can’t stop writing, my trance doesn’t let me be, the words keep coming, I don’t want to stop, I don’t want this night to end.
I was lying down plugged into music when the flash out of nowhere disturbed my equilibrium, I couldn’t rest any more, I had to get up and pen all my thoughts, I tried to ignore it at first, but it wouldn’t let me be and I had to get up and do as they wished.
I think of the people in my life and how they would feel, would they be proud or just try to ignore, i am writing these pure thoughts when they believe i should be doing something better with my time, believe in me guys, i love you more than my life.
I get these funny ideas of advertising in books, using watermarks to make the readers buy ice creams. I do want to be rich, but I am not sure how, I am creative but am not sure if everyone would match that view. I think of the way I grew up, the freedom and love that was showered on every step, I feel lucky to have you and nothing else would please my mind.
I love you Tania, I wrote this book for you on our first wedding anniversary, December it is, there’s nothing more that could be.
The prophecy I saw in the dream that wouldn’t let me be, it wasn’t love at first sight, but love it was to me, I knew her then, she knew me more, it doesn’t matter though for in love we will forever be now.
I want you to burn, I want you to feel this,
I love Tania and i have buried you,
I know you are jealous, I love your anger, I am your slave and I will love you forever.
She pulls me close to kiss, it’s the first seconds of the new year 2012, the glass cracks, champagne it is, Tania loves it more than wine, I have no choice, she loves to share it with me.
The glass breaks.
I am lost in time, lost in you, I am yours forever, you own me, I know you love me.
So next year December i shall be in Goa, on a cruise ship, i know, I saw it, I know it’s true, i shall be with her, Tania, my soul mate, my lover, my everything.
I know it sounds stupid, but it doesn’t matter, truth never felt to me clearer than this. Seems like its destiny, and I believe it was, to feel the moment of the future, the time with Tania.
I believe in destiny.
Social Hypocrisy
Economists should have no morals, they should be free of any bias, well not just Economists, world leaders as well, why just the leaders, everyone else as well, they should only respond to incentives, Nehru shouldn’t have had a pro Socialist ideology, he must have opened his eyes and seen reality and then made plans, but he had plans, he was ambitions, he had dreams.
Why socialism?
Economic calculation… what is it? I don’t know…do you? What the fuck do I care.
It’s the calculation of the real value of goods and services, including all the obscure Economic ways of calculating costs, but you see it’s hard to measure, why do you need economic calculation in the first place, so that you know the prices, so that you can quantify supply and demand, so you can find the equilibrium, a point in the dark unknown.
The markets depend on this Economic calculation, whereas Socialists say… fuck you economic calculation, we don’t need any technicalities.
Once a guy was turned down by a beautiful girl, she was a free bird, a free spirit running around gathering flowers from each garden that fell in her path, for vengeance he came up with Socialism, her name was Celia.
So angered in his pain he planned to destroy all the gardens, to burn all the flowers, he didn’t need them anymore, they are bad, they are corrupt, I want to kill everyone. So was born socialism, he was the man, he controlled everything, told them what to want and what not to do.
She liked wine, forbidden it was, he took over every grape that was born, he owned everything.
Everything is mine, your whole physical self, only the mind is left but I shall not need it for a while.
She still wanted wine, he owned it all, no more wine, no more long nights, go to sleep, good night, sweet dreams.
He had forgotten why he was in control, he lost track of hate and wanted to save the world, good intentions returned, high ambitions took birth, but hate would not leave him alone, misery took its toll.
She met a guy, it burned his soul, he had blood in his eyes, he wanted to spill their blood, he wanted to destroy the world.
He bullied her friend, Jack, he rebelled back, Lenin had to backtrack, he had to let her win, he couldn’t let the tears spoil her smile.
To please her again he came up with a plan, Jack was on board, jealousy made him cry.
His good intentions of the past returned to haunt, son Stalin was born… not the same blood but the same hate, the resonating pain. Power was won, vengeance was sought, the plan was lost, blood was spilled, socialism was back, the free bird was lost, again.
She lived through time, free market and Socialism, she never missed her wine, nor the fresh fragrance of the night, all that had changed was the blood on the street and the high price of time.
Love is blind & love is cruel, it will take away your soul, it won’t ever bother to appear, jealousy will poison your spirit and the fear of loss will never let you sleep, you will lose everything you have & you will do things unplanned, you will bleed forever but you will never stop to love.
God sent Angel
Do you know who I am? Yes you know my name, you think you know me, you are pretty sure you do, but you don’t, you realize who I am, but then you close your eyes and paint a different picture.
You know what a prodigy is, I am a prodigy, one of the billions living and breeding, there is only one of me, no one comes close, I am the god sent angel, sent to destroy this world, to kill all who questioned his divinity, not influenced by his words, his ideas or biases, I am here to do what needs to be done.
I am how you should have been, God had that plan but then you had to fuck it up, you had to have it all.
I am the prodigy, I am the god sent angel, sent to destroy this world but now I pause and question the wish of my brother.
I am a prodigy, you realize it but you don’t see it, I scare you, I burn you, I am the one, the only pure one and hence I question. I am perfect, I am pure.
Once I was pure, purely pure, perfectly perfect but then I was sent to this world in flesh and blood to destroy this world, why? Cause God had failed, you failed God, you made him scared, he couldn’t look me in the eye, you are to blame, it’s all your fault.
He wants to correct his mistake, wipe his slate clean to begin another round and hence he sent me to earth to kill everyone.
I am the prodigy, I scare you, I burn you, you shall never be me nor be mine, you shall use me and used me well you have, I knew it, but I gave in, cause I am purely pure, perfectly perfect.
Not anymore though, you abused me enough and left me dry, yet I stand, not pure anymore, not perfect anymore.
Almost perfect.
I have deflected from my path but I remember my role and I love what is left, but I shall be blind again and give you a chance again. I lose in this way but still I accept, not cause I care, only cause I was once pure… perfectly pure… not anymore.
Satan takes birth, he’s been sent to cure the cancers you spread.
I am Dryk’s new addiction
So why am I writing, still I am, I can’t stop anymore, I don’t know what’s on my mind, there is no plot there is no objective, yet I write words after words, no pauses, no stops, just can’t stop writing.
This feeling I have, resembles the one that I once had, it was when I was in your arms and never wanted to open my eyes, I never wanted to let go, I never wanted to leave, but love ends and disappears when it’s needed the most.
Free her Spirit
Everyone speaks of women’s empowerment, but what does it really mean? Does it mean, give her a position of power, make her lead the way? How do you empower women? What does the idea really mean?
To me it is the change that takes birth in this society so as a girl child is welcomed, she’s given the chance of education, a chance to enjoy her childhood, taken care of, properly guided, a chance to choose her career, a chance to work in a place she likes, treated fairly & equally, a chance to make mistakes and learn from them, a chance to love, a chance to live, breathe, and feel.
So now, how do you do it?
Confessions to Satan
It’s time to open up, it’s time to share… why? I don’t know why?
What better than this if not this?
Cries of a dry Soul
I am Dryk’s dry soul.
I get this depression attacks, once a while… quite regularly actually, well I don’t have a reason to be depressed… I do have plenty of reasons to worry, but definitely not depressed, or maybe I do.
My life is a mess, I am running in the marathon for infants as a grown up, my future is as bleak as it can get, I have no friends… plenty of people I know but no one who would make me smile, my family loves me but I haven’t been the greatest of sons… my parents love me but well… they worry too much and I haven’t done enough to make them feel content, my brother loves me too but he sees more of the lost potential in me than my… (Funny I can’t come up with anything good about me)
My friends… the people around me, the people who think they know me, don’t really do, sometimes I wonder how did I reach this place, I never wanted or intended to reach this black hole of life, where even hope can’t breathe, yet I find myself locked in this cabinet with no air to breathe.
I am a nice guy, my girlfriend always says that about me, she does say a lot of good things about me but rarely do the words mean anything to me, they always fall on my hating heart.
Love… there was once a time when I could really love… it made me free… I was alive, I once loved, but then hate took over. It’s not my fault, I have no power over my mind, as absurd as it sounds, my mind doesn’t let me be free… free of doubts, insecurities, darkness and hate. How did my hate become so strong? I know the answer to that question, it was in my darkest days when, no hope, no strength remained, my broken heart bled tears in vain as there was no one around to hug my pain away… it was then that I surrendered to hate, shook hands with the devil, I wished… I begged for god to help me get over this storm of depression, but he felt it right for me to conquer it myself… I was weak, I was hurt, I was in pain, I needed a hug, I needed a shoulder to cry on, but he never should up… why would he… he should have, god’s supposed to love you unconditionally, forgive you for all your sins and stand by you in the darkest hours… but he didn’t… I stood alone, I cried to myself, I wept and I wept… he never showed up…
I gave into hate. I can’t love anymore, I hate everyone, I have lost faith in mankind… humans are incapable of good things, you are governed only by greed and self-interest, nothing else matters to you than your own good… I was not like you, you abused my purity, you made me hate this world. I once lived love… now I only know hate, I don’t trust anymore, words don’t mean a thing, I see only dark, my heart beats no more.
I feel relieved, my depression has gone, my mind is calm… I can breathe again, I can’t write any more.
Not betrayed yet
You know what it feels to have a great idea and not remember it… that’s exactly how I feel right now, I have a bright ray of hope lighting my dark mind, but it left before I could savour it… it did leave a thirst.
My whole life can be summed up in that idea, disturbing as it is, it is the truth. I am no failure neither have I excelled, I am the guy that finished fourth… missed the podium by a flash… lost in history. I am one of the billions living in this degenerated world, yet there isn’t anyone like me. I remember my days in college, the relatively good days of my miserable life, I had fun, I was fun, we all had fun… but rarely do I remember the things that I did, the words I spoke or the songs I heard, but I do remember her… my first encounter with love. She was the one for me, but then nothing happened, we both wanted it but no one ever spoke, I do not miss her, at times… very rare I do, I do regret but then how could I betray the person I was for all the things that never happened. Things didn’t happen for a reason… my weakness… I don’t have any, yet things didn’t work out. Why would I choose the road with thorns over the one with ease and company, was it my weakness… my introvert nature, my lack of strength, my depleted confidence… I doubt it… I am invincible, I can do what I please, but then it doesn’t make sense, why?
I don’t know why, but I know one thing, if there is anything that I do… I have no weakness… there ain’t no mountain I can’t climb, there ain’t no song that I can’t sing… but then why do I miss her…
I wish I could but I can’t… there’s no answer to that question… maybe soon or maybe never.
Do you ever regret the choices you made, the places you went, the friends you made… if one does, then what is it not than betraying yourself. Everyone is rational and free thinking, atleast it’s a fair assumption to make. The choices at a point of time reflect the thirst to satisfy the need at that instance, if then in the future the thirst that led to the choice is felt unneeded, then questions arise on the rationality and the sense of thinking… so have you betrayed the only person who truly cares, adores you, the one who shall bleed… if needed, for you, have you lost faith in yourself.
I haven’t… not yet.
I wake up, open my eyes… my eyes tired from my struggle for sleep last night and the night before and the night before that, I don’t remember the last time I slept, my neck hurts… I can barely see. I stand in front of the mirror… is this me? Is this what I looked like last night when I went to sleep, why does me feel so strange, I don’t have any memories, it feels like I was just born, no thoughts of the past… I miss her smile… I remember her, she’s my past, her shiny eyes make me smile, what happened? She did make my heart beat, she made me feel alive… as strange as it sounds, I barely feel my senses nor do I have any feeling of life, my heart seems to be lost… is that blood flowing through me, am I alive, what happened to her?
Her shiny eyes, her loud smile, her crispy voice, the smooth hair… it’s hard to see her, is that the truth or is it my hatred that I can’t see her no more, my imaginations seems to be dead.
I pushed her away, I didn’t want to, yet I managed to fuck it all up… it was my hate, I hate to make a choice, I couldn’t give up hate… I couldn’t give into her.
Did I love her? I did, but she barely knew the true me, the man I am… she fell for the man hate had made out of me… it’s still me.
Why did I let her go, I had a choice between her and hate, between the one who saved me from her love and her… I couldn’t give up hate… not yet.
Who am I, who is this guy looking at me, who is me? Will anyone ever know who I was or shall I be lost in the shadows of time.
I fell for her spirit, it didn’t take long for me to lose myself to her but no, she never had a chance, I never let her in, she tried her best but I never let her the opportunity to know who I really was.
What is it that you are scared of? What is it that you have that you need to guard so strongly? Why do you not open up?
I love You more than You know
I admit I am a stupid guy, I am like every other idiot with a dick, but nobody is like me, trust me, there isn’t a wreck like me other than me, I am indeed special, at times I wonder god did spare some time in making me, I couldn’t have been made in the assembly line he’s got… why did he bother.
I loved you, I truly did, my love for you was as pure as my faith in god, I do question it time and again but the fact remains, at the end of the day I am god’s favourite son.
I still remember the times in Ferguson when I would steal glimpses of you, some you would notice and some I cherished alone. I fell not for your beauty, nor your smile, nor your smooth hair (yes, I had my eyes on them long before you noticed), I didn’t fall in love with you for what I saw, I fell for the spirit you hold, it was like when the created meets the creator, like a rainbow in the dark, no looks shared, no words spoken before I was lost.
It was puppy love at first you might think, but it wasn’t, that’s the way I roll. I am a romantic at heart, hard to believe, maybe, but if I ever did all the things that came to my mind, Romeo would live no more. I love love, I love to love, to be loved, to spread love, it’s the only thing that really makes me happy, everything else just makes me smile, nothing really touches my soul.
I have issues, serious issues, am sure you may have noticed, but what you see is only a tiny part of the problem. When I say, I am a wreck, trust me I am a royal fuck up. I cannot share these issues with you nor with anyone, I don’t know what I fear or maybe it’s my ego, no one will ever know the true me, no one wants to. I may not show or maybe smile it off but it’s hard being me, it’s hard to breathe at times and at times I feel I never lived. I probably might end up as a schizophrenic, reality chokes me, I can’t breathe, people scare me, words shock the shit out of me, I can’t breathe the same air as everyone else, I have to depend on my dreams and me to survive.
Then you come in, you were meant to be my saviour, you were sent to this world, to this city to save me from destroying myself.
However harsh or evil I may seem, there’s beauty in me, a small corner in the barren lands, an oasis in the darth lands, it’s that I protect, it’s all I got that reminds me of being born, of being alive, being human, everything else is dark, every other thing is evil. I don’t trust anymore, expect only the false, I destroy pure by questioning it, that’s probably the reason why I prefer being lost in my dreams, I cannot connect with anyone, no one will ever understand the things that happen, even if I could ever open up, my problems will never be solved. Secrecy is not a choice, it’s the only option. I only wish I had some control on myself, I do at times, but it’s more of an illusion, my hate controls me than me controlling it.
When the walls crumble and weakness starts to conquer the soul, it’s the strong who step up, it was hate for me.
I have a weak personality or rather had, growing up was tough, it still is but I manage it each day drawing strength from hate, I wouldn’t have survived otherwise. I am weak, vulnerable, soft and beautiful but it rarely shows. What I am with everyone is a disguise, different masks for everyone I know, no one knows my true face, sometimes I wonder if I have one.
Being with you is the only time I ever feel secure, a time when I can think of putting my guard down, being with you, giving myself in your arms is my drug, my salvation. Not being with you or being away is tough, addiction is cruel, once high it’s pretty but when short, it hurts really bad, it’s the heart that aches, the soul that thirsts, even hate can’t save me then, it’s this time that I really wish not breathing, not being alive, I know what depression feels like.
I need you more than you would imagine, words cannot convey what being with you means to me, my survival doesn’t depend on you but you are probably the only thing that makes my life worth living.
I love you and I hate you at the same time, you manage to bring the best and the worst in me, you have no clue what you do to me, what your smile, your touch means to me, how your anger brings the best out of me, your anger makes flowers bloom in my small garden of love, not to mean anything to me, but just to bring that smile back on your face.
I want to steal you from this world, take you far away from everyone, I want you to be only mine, I don’t wanna share even a tear of yours with anyone, I want to run away from this degenerated world, somewhere far away from here, somewhere pure and hold you tight. I want you, I need you, I want to breathe you, I want my eyes to only see you and yours to only see me, I want to hear only your words and you hear only mine, I want to destroy everything else, I don’t need nor do I want it, all I want is you.
I know things are not always well with me but somehow things always seem to workout, its gods way of saying I love you. We argue, we fight, we ignore each other, but no matter what happens nothing can remove you from my system, you have grown into me. As much as I hate it, it’s your smell that reminds me of heaven, it’s your voice that soothes my soul, your smile that dissolves my hate, it’s you who will stop me from destroying myself.
Opening up like this doesn’t soothe me as it should, it only makes me more vulnerable, or maybe I am just paranoid, or maybe both, but it’s hard for me to open up, I don’t trust, I don’t believe, all I do is question and hate.
This is who I am, a glimpse of things that go unnoticed, but things that matter, it’s often that the things that really matter are the things most unnoticed.
My heart cries yet again
It frustrates me to have you but not really have you, being a scorpion every sense of feeling comes with the highest rank of extremism. It’s ironic but I don’t know if I can feel anything other than pain anymore. I wasn’t like this but I was rarely ever happy. Is it the result of my actions, the choices that I have made till now made me in the monster that I have become, choices are supposed to be forward looking, did I choose to be the devil, was it my destiny, was there no other role available for me, my inherent hatred, my dark heart, are they my destiny or my inheritance or my desires. It doesn’t matter, it’s who I am and I believe in myself, it’s all that matters.
My actions are governed not by my wants, my desires or my greed, but are my morals strong enough to stand the test of jealousy and self-interest, will I survive the test of time, shall my morals rise or my darkness prevail.
When shall the sun rise… how long do I have to bear this burden of darkness all by myself… wasn’t it me who pushed her away… why?
There isn’t any doubt you have about the way you feel for her, what happened to you then? Is it not love that you see in her eyes… why do you see it as false, why do you not see her for what she is, why do you have to blacken it all? Why is it so hard for you to trust? Only good will come out of it, yet you take the road of thorns, why do you not prevent the wrongs that you can control.
I can never trust anyone other than blood, everyone else is against me, no one really cares, no one bothers to see me for me, hear the cries of my aching heart, no one shall come through the door, wipe my tears, give me a hug, no one shall ever know that I ever lived, how would they…
I really need her right now, she will never know.
Even your hate has betrayed you in this hour of darkness, the same friend, your only friend that questioned trust, raised doubts, pushed her away… yet you get betrayed, who is it that has betrayed you?
I never want to know, I shall lie here in the dumps, bear the heartless setbacks, I shall do it alone and I shall rise… a new day shall bring me hope and serenity, forever if not then only for a moment, but I shall rise from the ashes of misery one more time, I shall live through this dark night, I shall suffer, I shall not stop living… I shall not stop loving her, no tears will ever live, I shall disappear in the darkness of time, and live… once again.
Things need be done
I am the prince of darkness, I am the lord of death, I am the holy evil, I am Satan.
Darkness resides within me but evil I am not, I only do what born I was for, the strength of angels and face of god leads my soul.
Sometimes things need be done, no matter how much you may fear or lose doing it, sometimes you have to sacrifice love, stab your beating heart and let them go, sometimes you have to kill all good that resides in you, murder your holy self, betray the principles you were born with, sometimes you need to lose, sometimes you have to lose.
How else shall you control the evil that has grown into you and this world, how else shall you stop yourself from destroying this world and yourself. You let this evil out, you were weak, you were wrong, no longer could you endure the weakness in your nerves and the darkness of the night. You let the beast out, you opened the dreaded box, you knew it was wrong but desperate you were, no longer could you breathe in the darkness of the day, you only did it for your good, you didn’t betray your own self, maybe the rest, the ones who made your life worthwhile… but not yourself.
You had to do it, you had to let evil breathe, it was the only thing that could have saved you… love had failed, but then it took over, you lost your eyes, evil ran through your words, your actions, your thoughts, your pure heart was poisoned, hate took over and the immortal bonds of love faced the ire, brotherhood was lost, trust never lived again, faith fell under the darkness of questions, accusations & betrayals.
I had to let in hate, I could not bear the cost of love, the cost of trust, the cost of freedom. I was broken… no one knocked at my door, no one wiped my tears… hate saved me then, but hate drove her away, I couldn’t have saved the bond, I wanted to save the bond, I couldn’t live without the bond, but it was the bond that I had lost it all.
You couldn’t live nor could breathe with or without her, hate had taken over you but I was the one who turned her away and broke all bonds.
Sometimes things need be done, I don’t know why nor do I know how, but I had to push her away, my heart wasn’t cold, hate doesn’t control me, yet I stood there watching as the holy bond broke… I had to.
She’s a free bird, a beautiful spirit, a shining light, she’s the bold night, she’s the love of my life, I can’t make her smile, I can’t satisfy her spirit, I can’t shine like her in the night, I am a weak soul, I am her immortal lover.
I had to let her go, it was better for her, freedom was hers, the sun shone for her, your ship sailed in the dark, storms took over your dying soul, you wrote to die unnoticed. I had to let her go.
I shall always miss her and forever shall I not stop loving her, hate cannot dissolve my love for her, however poisoned my heart may be… it shall not stop beating for her.
I have to do what needs be done, evil needs be balanced for the good to breathe. I am only his older brother, however dark I am seem, our childhood grew together, I was the stronger son. I have come here to destroy this world, they have saddened my brother, stopped not even to abuse Mother Nature, your creator has left their scrolls of destiny at my footsteps, their life is mine to take.
No evil pleasure nor any holy loss do I ever feel, for I only do what needs be done, sometimes things need be done, it is this that makes me the lord of death, the prince of darkness, Satan, and so I took away the love of your life.
God wants me to take all their lives,
I love you and I forever will,
I have to kill them to free my brother of sadness,
I can’t live with or without you,
I have to avenge the abuse of mother nature, I have poisoned your heart for he loved her, your love for her consumed you dry, I see your mortal spirit, weak and abused,
However much I hate you, not trust you, let you abuse me, I still can’t hope for a life without you, however much I try, I can’t get over you, i can’t let you go, I won’t…
Hope hides in the darkness of greed, however corrupt I may make you, hope shall not die in you, your soul shall not stop living nor loving. I have to give you another chance, life can’t lose the gamble against death, hate cannot conquer the love you’ve got.
My brother needs to grieve more, mother nature need suffer a bit more, hope shall rise one day, birth of good in you is inevitable, your life is meant for love and it shall one day transcend heaven, god shall one day be jealous, god shall one day be proud, god shall one day be obliged. All your sacrifices shall bear fruits one day, nothing shall go unnoticed, the judgement of heaven awaits you.
God’s creation wont destroy his legacy, his divinity, all doubts shall be erased, all betrayals repaid. Sometimes you do things, you don’t know why, you don’t know how, you just do it cause it needs be done. You shall not die today, your heart shall breathe love again… one day.
The Judgement of Hell
Everything matters and means a thing
I had other plans for you, god wants the end of you,
I wanted to destroy all my love for you, I wanted to free me of you,
I came here to ease god’s pain to avenge Mother Nature’s abuse,
I wanted to never remember you, I wanted to forget you as a bad dream,
Everything that had happened since the moment I was born, since the first time I made my mother cry… everything had a part to play. Every little thing that happened from my tooth being pulled out to my horrible Delhi days, everything had a role to play, however small however negligible.
I am here because of all the things that occurred led me to this moment, even a single change will change this time and place, an idea has more than one source to blame. It is not a creation of a single soul, the entire life history has led to it all, it wasn’t meant but it happened cause that was to be done.
So that’s why newton set off gravity and mark hacked the networks, it’s the same reason why I spare you all, for hope shall one day win you all.
My love might poison my soul, but my hate shall not live for long, love shall conquer me one day, I shall let love live again.
I shall let you live another day.
It’s not my greed for whom to satisfy I write, it’s this moment that shall not live in time if I not write, I stand not to gain, not a single smile nor do I fear the wrath of society, I write not to prove anything, not to win your smile, not to enter your mind, nor to salvage your lives. Greed doesn’t make me write, there’s always a silver lining, diamonds are hard to find, the seas are hard to swim but the shore brings peace and quiet, endure the dark and the sun shall make you smile.
The longing for her love, the closeness to her spirit is my stairway to heaven, but I am too weak to love her pure, I have the devil breathing inside me, millions of cancers poison the pure me, it’s hard to be me. Yet you shall never know, I shall love you however much I hate you and however much you hurt me.
I shall push you away, I shall not let you breathe, I shall try to shape your mind, but forever shall you be free, you are a free spirit, always shall you shine, burn me to the bones u will and forever shall I try to control you, forever shall I suffer in your love, but shall never not smile.
However much I try to hurt or forget, I shall always keep you safe and make you smile till the end of my days.
Not all things End
Of Couse I won’t name my book Stupidity Inc., no matter what my publicist says or my agent projects.
I had a dream and I had made a prophecy when I saw you the first time, you were mine and I was gonna be yours and we were gonna be happy for ever and ever.
Who’s Tania, I don’t know, I don’t remember any prophecy other than to be with you, you are my dream, you are my prophecy. I see no ship, I see no earrings, nor the black dress, I only see you, I see you as mine, I see you blush, I see you smile, I feel nothing else than your love, it’s you who shall live in my dreams each night, it’s for your smile that I shall do what’s need be done, no fear no loss shall ever lose me my way.
I don’t know for how long my fingers shall let me paint but I shall not stop till my fingers can move no more, I didn’t mean to make you smile nor make you feel anything, I just started writing one night and couldn’t stop, I couldn’t control my fingers nor my brain, I did not know what I was writing but I ended up writing a lot about you, it wasn’t all waste, it made sense, you should know how to find a diamond in the dark.
This is not for all, it’s about me, I am what I am and I won’t ever want you to know who I was or what lived in me. I have my share of problems but don’t bother I don’t need your help, I have hate to survive, the same evil that causes all problems, the same hate that pushed you away, the same hate that want me to forget, the same hate that doesn’t want me to stay.
I love you, not Tania, I shall not get married to Tania nor shall I shift in her five bedroom book shelf in Gurgaon, nor shall I go to Canada to visit the in-laws, although I like the idea of a long honeymoon, but I would prefer new Zealand or Greece & Switzerland, and it won’t be with the coffee addict ad woman, I want it to be with you, my old school rock star, my bubbles.
That dream of Goa was not on a ship rather it was a wish to be with you on the lonely beach. Just us in the dark, living in each other’s arms, a lifetime of love under the holy moon light. I want the prophecy to be right, I want to be in your life, in your eyes, in your voice, in your smell, in your anger and in your pain. I make this prophecy to be with you, and not anyone else.
It’s not the anniversary with Tania that I want to be special, it’s our special day three years after the magic in Lavasa, where you teased and played but then you gave up, the first day of my life of joy and peace, and three years hence still a day of love, not for the seasons that passed nor the sacrifices we made but the fact that we are still the two crazy birds in love, still struggling to find a way to fly together, still finding a way to keep our souls apart, we are free spirits that are meant to be together, it’s not just destiny but its what’s need be done.
This is for you and only you, a celebration of love of life and being with you, I shall hate you, anger you, cause you pain but no matter what happen I can’t stop loving you, I always have and I forever will, nothing shall ever free my spirit of your divinity, you are my love, my life, my stairway to heaven.
I might not have covered 294 pages and maybe I might not have been fun to be with but each word written, each moment spent with you was purer than my faith in heaven. It’s in the small moment with you that I have lived, my heart breathed, my soul salvated. I shall not live forever, nor shall I breathe the free air for long, but I shall always remember the freakish nicknames you game me (red ass baboon), and I shall always remember the first kiss we shared, the hot pickle I had and the ice cream you fed, the time at the lake, the long drive back, the love we made as the world around slept, saying good bye and the ride away from you.
I might not know everything about you, but I shall not forget each single moment I lived with you.
You were born to save me and so you shall, we shall always be together no matter what happens, for love will ensure we never stay far.
One last time
I shall not give up, not on you, not on mankind, hope shall rise one day, from the ashes of destruction, and the sun shall once again shine on your lives.
How shall I liberate myself of hate that I depend on, the corruption and greed that destroys this world, how shall she be liberated, empowered… freed, loved.
How shall the weak survive without what makes them breathe, how shall I let myself love her again and not hurt each passing second.
It is my hate, my greed, my corrupted morals that make me strong, that make me breathe, that allow me to exist, how shall I betray my survival for the greater good of this world, for love, how shall I put my life behind them, behind her, and give myself up selflessly.
I don’t know what’s happening, what’s gonna happen… I don’t know, it’s hard being with her, but then being away from her isn’t any better, how shall I adapt to this situation which demands an answers when I can’t even get the alphabets right.
What choices should I make to make things right this time around, not be blinded by greed & my hate, how shall I be resurrected again, how shall hope cure me, how shall this world be saved, how shall her love conquer my hate, can I control my greed, can I not let my corrupted morals not blind me again, can I not let doubts arise, can I do what needs be done?
A Sacred Request
Satan’s last words
He’s indeed a pure soul, a soul free of greed, free of corruption, free of hate, free of pain,
He does struggle to live in this time for it was not his destiny to be born this time,
He loves you as no soul ever could, he sees you as god intended to make you,
He lives not to survive this race of life, he survives only to be with you,
The world makes him paranoid, evil and gay, yet he doesn’t mind and smiles as he sails,
He never lets you in the sickness of his heart, he wants to save you from the dawn of the dark,
Even his mortality doesn't have any say, your joy is for what he finds time to pray, he has his dark days and times of pain, he does all he can to avoid your pain,
He doesn’t want but he does let you go, it’s only cause evils has taken over his soul,
Pull him close, make his doubts disappear and he shall give up heaven just to be in your arms,
Cure his cancers and let his heart breathe, his soul is yours for eternity,
A choice you have to save him or not, love him pure, don’t let him go.
To make sense of what you just read…
The world that exists today, in the state it has evolved to, has been credited to the work of Men, it is indeed true, but its foundations are too weak to withstand the winds of time, it’s the love of a woman that has made it possible for it to exist for as long as it has. Men, corrupted by their greed & self-interest have driven civilization to its extinction and love has been lost to evil and hate, God has lost faith, he’s been betrayed by his own creation, in his disappointment & grief its Satan who shall hold the key to the existence of civilization & it’s the love of a woman that can cure all cancers.
All that remains is a hope for love, a hope that love shall take birth in the tainted heart again.